A few months ago, I ordered a Blue Moon (the most basic of beers) at a work party, and one of my coworkers said, “Oh, so you’re like, a Chill Girl Who Drinks Beer?”
I considered explaining that I order Blue Moon entirely because it comes with an orange slice, but only a true Chill Girl Who Drinks Beer (CGWDB) would know that in the first place. Instead, I decided to roll with it as I pondered what it really means to be a CGWDB.
I drink beer when I’m out, not because it’s the cheapest thing on the menu, but because I know guys will see me drinking my Corona at a sports bar in the middle of January and think, “wow, that girl must be so chill and low maintenance. I wonder if she drinks whiskey, too!”
And of course, I do drink whiskey, but only when a man buys it for me after a 20 minute lecture on the complex flavor profile of Angel’s Envy, followed by a deep dive into the differences between bourbon, Scotch and Irish whiskey. The more skeptical I sound, the more likely someone is to buy it for me just to prove how great it is. But I’m getting into Fun Girl Who Drinks Whiskey territory now, and that’s another post for another time.
Chill Girls Who Drink Beer are basically one of the bros. When they’re not drinking beer, you can probably find them eating wings, playing video games or watching sports. I love sports, as you all probably know. 2018 was the first year I watched every single Husker football game, just to prove how much Nebraska means to me and how passionate I am about all of the sports. Plus, the Husker bar sells buckets of Bud Light for $10, and I’m all about a bargain.
A CGWDB doesn’t put too much effort into her appearance at bars because she knows the fact that she’s drinking beer will bring more attention to her than any winged eyeliner or short skirt ever could.
She’ll also probably go home with you after one drink because she can’t wait to see the carefully curated collection of craft beer bottles you’ve artfully arranged atop your kitchen cabinets. That’s like, sooooo unique. I love craft beer! I even went to a craft beer festival in Iowa once. I only drank pink beers and cucumber cider, but I still learned sooooo much.
To prove once and for all how chill and beer-loving I am, I went to Oktoberfest in 2017, where I drank four liters of beer to gain a greater appreciation for German culture. The previous year, I visited the Guinness factory in Dublin so I could learn to pour a perfect pint and to appreciate a dark beer. Non-chill beer drinking girls may stick to light, fruity beers, but not I. I finished my whole pint of Guinness because Chill Girls Who Drink Beer can hang. We love dark beer and the attention we get for drinking it publicly.
So yes, to answer my coworker’s question, I’m definitely a Chill Girl Who Drinks Beer. And it seems this also answers my other coworker’s question, “Maddie, are you an attention whore?” (obviously).
Hopefully, this extremely serious, fact-based article has given you some insight on who I truly am. I am officially rebranding myself as a CGWDB, effective immediately. Call 911 if you ever see me in public without a beer. Thank you.
P.S. @ mom and dad this was a joke I promise I am not like this (usually)