A few weeks ago when my dad was in town, he asked me if I’m dating anyone, and I laughed. Let’s be real, I hardly have time to have four friends, let alone commit to a relationship. Well, that combined with my overly negative attitude toward all men and the constant fear that I’ll get kidnapped, murdered or catfished on a Bumble date.
So no, obviously I’m not dating anyone. And now it’s fall, which is apparently a great season to be in a relationship because… it’s cold out? You need someone to borrow jackets from? I don’t entirely get it, but pop culture and social media have lead me to believe it’s a TRAGEDY that I’m single in October. And to show you all just how tragic this is, I’ve decided to list all of the fun, autumn dates I could be going on if I wasn’t so terribly alone (with other reasons why the activities wouldn’t work out as planned). Alternately, it’s a list of all the fun, autumn dates I’m open to go on with any single, non-murderer male in NYC (but would probably just go on with my roommate instead).
Going to an apple orchard. This also won’t work because apparently all of the orchards ran out of apples. I didn’t realize apple picking season was so short. All of the apples at the market across the street from me have fingernail marks in them, so I just don’t know where to go.
Carving pumpkins. Let’s be real, where would I even put a pumpkin? It’d look pretty for a few days, then it would rot and attract rats and bugs and then I’d have to carry it allllllll the way down to the garbage. At least if I was home, I could leave it in the front yard, forget about it for three months, then accidentally grow my own pumpkin patch the next fall (this really happened to my friend, I swear). In the city, though? Not worth it.
Haunted hayrack ride. Apparently there’s a great one on Randall’s Island, but it’s closed this year. And none of my friends like being scared, so my only alternative would be to go alone, which is just too risky. I could die out there.
Baking a pie. I don’t know if this even qualifies as a date, but it’d definitely be really cute. Regardless, my fire alarm went off last time I turned the oven on, so I’ve decided to avoid baking for the rest of my life.
Couples Halloween costumes. Someone could’ve been the Husker to my corn. I don’t exactly know how that would’ve worked, but I think it’s hilarious and you would have no choice but to go along with it.
Kidnapping children so we have an excuse to trick-or-treat. Is this frowned upon? Possibly.
Dinner at the Times Square Olive Garden. I’m not letting go of this dream. I don’t even like Olive Garden, I just need to go.
Walking through Central Park (conveniently located right next to my apartment). What a fun, easy, free way to spend an afternoon together! But the leaves haven’t even changed colors yet, so what’s the point?
Watching all of “The Haunting of Hill House” on Netflix within 24 hours. HA. Already did this by myself because I love being scared in my potentially haunted apartment and I have no social life. The annoying noises my pipes make really contributed to the vibe of this binge.
Visiting literally any museum because I finally got a library card, so I can get us in for ~F R E E~ I’ll probably do this by myself. Or with my roommate. Maybe my mom when she comes to visit. Whatever works. I just need to figure out how to use this thing.
If you read this and thought, “yikes, why is she so negative?” thank you for your time… goodbye!! If, however, you think I’m funny and any activities on this list appeal to you, please contact me through your favorite communication portal with your qualifications and availability over the next month. Serious inquiries only.
Happy fall, y’all.